With 2018 coming quickly to an end, I’ve been trying to take account of all that this year has held. What has been the overall theme for this year?
I’ve been hustling hard. Trying to get ahead in work, wanting to propel my dream, and keeping myself healthy and fit, all before starting a family. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, and I realized looking back over the past year that I have adopted the mindset that I can only do one thing at a time to do it all (perfectly), rather than balancing several things the Lord has called me to (imperfectly). I am a perfectionist, so the thought of doing things well but not perfect is uncomfortable.
So this web space that I started up with such gusto at the end of summer? It’s been pretty quiet. And in that time, the Lord has been so sweet to draw me back to Him, with His vision, calling and purpose That doesn’t make this dream any less important to me. Instead, it makes me realize how abundant God’s blessings are. Rather than be discouraged by His goodness, I am now choosing to hold all of it loosely, relinquishing control and admitting “I cannot. But You can.” Your will, your order, your plan, your doing, Lord.
I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m a hates to lose, rather than loves to win. I don’t see the pile of blessings as winning, but rather my inability to go 110% on all things at all times as losing.
I’m not a good steward of my gifts.
I have to do one thing all out.
I know what to do, but I am running out of the hours and energy to do it.
If I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not meant to do it all.
I’m going to get real honest with you here. This is my current wrestling: the longing to be a momma has returned and grown in my heart. I am convicted of slowing my pace, being more intentional with less, and living a slow and thankful and full life. I absolutely LOVE my job and am being handed opportunities I can’t believe I have in front of me. And I wholeheartedly believe in the ways God wired me and the big dream I have to be a writer and speaker.
Yet I get held up, wondering:
“HOW can I be all of those things?”
“How can I be in the hustle and the slow?”
“How do I do it all?”
The answer? I don’t.
Only God knows what He has planned for me and what He will continue to put on or take off my plate. It’s not up to me to try to hustle and balance and kill myself to be everything to all of these things. Here is what I have been reminded of recently and that I am trying to accept daily…
I can be both an outstanding employee and an outstanding mom. I can both work hard at my side dream and be present with my family. I can advance in my career and coach soccer, make dinner, lead bible studies and be present for my friends. But I can not and will not do it on my own strength or by my own organization. Or all at once. It will require the Lord setting my pace, multiplying my time and organizing my priorities. He alone will know how to balance all that He has called me to. And in this knowledge there is peace. Yes, there is also fear in my lack of control, but there is freedom in knowing it’s not all up to me. It never has been and it never will. Praise the Lord for that.