“We cannot seek God’s glory and our own at the same time. If any part of our heart is divided, seeking to win rather than seeking to wonder at His goodness, let’s quit right now.”

– Jess Connolly, Go & Tell Gals Podcast

This morning I was listening to a podcast by one of my favorites, Jess Connolly, and her words stopped me right in my tracks. Do you ever have those moments when someone else gives you the exact words for how you are feeling? This was that for me.

I started off strong and full-speed ahead last summer on building my new website, filling the blog with words & fumbling my way with sharing that passion through the means of Instagram. I read books, took online classes, and fixated on learning more about these platforms. But by the time I got to the fall, I felt drained, tired & distant from the Lord.

So I quit.

I’ve been known to oscillate between loving Instagram and deleting my account entirely. Furiously writing blog posts and then never pressing publish. Confidently speaking my dreams into the world and shrinking back from them all together. And I couldn’t seem to figure out why I struggle with this intense back and forth so much. Especially after feeling so certain that it was all a calling from God and He was wanting to mobilize the gifts He’s tucked inside me.

“Am I wanting to win, or am I wanting to worship?”

Jess’s words stopped me cold and for the first time, I knew where my real struggle lied. Whenever I was feeling the heaviness of Instagram and the desire for simpler/smaller/less, it’s because my heart wasn’t in the right place. I saw it as a means to an end — accomplishing my dream + goal — rather than using it for worship. Which was really my heart, initially.

A month after I took a pause to recharge, we received the joyful news that I was pregnant. Then first trimester nausea kicked in and fatigue and a whole slew of new projects at work, and this website of mine and writing altogether was left far behind. It’s been months of feeling inundated with baby in the sweetest of ways, but I’ve asked the Lord time and time again to help me know myself in this changing season of becoming a momma so that I don’t lose myself once things REALLY change for us this fall. And the urge to write and share the words He gives me has felt all the more real and alive and present. So does the drain and fear of Instagram and “self-promotion”. But this charge to focus on worship over winning feels empowering and so I will cling to that.

I’m thankful that the Lord does not leave us in our sinful ways. He is faithful to get our attention and to draw us back to Him. Back to the root of all things peaceful and life-giving and good. It’s when our eyes leave the prize and our focus is turned on ourselves over His call, His plan and His goodness that things get wonky and weird in our hearts. His will will be done. We either get to be a part of it or miss out on it. And it all starts and ends with who and what we worship.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

-Philippians 1:6

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